memories

Do you ever find yourself stuck in a loop of past memories?

Lately I’ve had random past memories popping up.

From a year or two ago to a decade ago.. and even from my childhood (because of my shadow work I suppose).
People who are no longer in my life have popped up in my dreams for seemingly no reason.

I’ve randomly been remembering past lives.. not really past lives.. but you know those memories that seem like a lifetime (or two) ago.

A song triggers something and it’s like a fucking time warp, my body can physically feel the memory… what it used to be like to exist back then.. what it was like going through those experiences and learning those lessons.. all the feels come rushing back and the vibe from that time period envelopes me.

This is an incredibly fascinating phenomenon. I know I’m not alone in this.. but for some reason it’s extremely isolating. That nostalgia is somewhat of a reminder that it no longer exists, that place, those people, that part of life is over, gone, never to return.

I visited my friend this past weekend for her birthday. She’s one of my best friends. We met when I was at my lowest. We became friends when I was going through hell. And she still chose me (she might be nuts). But really.. that’s a real friend right there!

So this past weekend we reminisced on our times on topsail island together. On how long we’ve known each other. On how much has changed. On how far we’ve come. On how strong we’ve grown. We talked about how crazy it was that it’s already been 5 years. We talked about our lives back then, our partners we had, and our heartbreaks that lead us to where we are. We talked about the first birthdays we shared together, and how we’ve made it a tradition to try and celebrate together every year.

And of course we talked about how much of a shit show life was back then. Our memories from topsail island will last forever… well the ones that made it through drunken stupors anyway. We had so many great times and share so many wonderful stories from our time there. But it was absolutely, with out a doubt, a shit show. (literally I wish we had a camera crew for a tv show back then.. it would have been a great one… also it would help me remember more of it!)

And every time one of these memories interrupts my life (or I reminisce with my best friend) I’m like hell yes! I’m so glad im here.. NOW.. in this present moment.. in this place in my life.. and feeling the way I feel right now.. not how I felt then.

Im simultaneously missing that time (but only because it’s impossible to get back).. and so grateful that it’s over.

Talk about a roller coaster!

but ultimately I’m so so happy for the reminder. I’m so so grateful for the support that these memories are giving me.. because it’s making me FEEL every bit of how far I’ve come. It’s making me see how much I’ve grown throughout my life.

There’s no other way to get that kind of understanding and clarity than for your subconscious to invade your consciousness and SHOW YOU! <3

PS. I’m praying for Topsail Island, Surf City, and Wilmington NC. It was my home for the most transformative time in my life. I may not have many friends left there, but I hope every soul I met along the way is safe and has a home to return to. I cannot fathom that amazing, beautiful place getting destroyed. My heart hurts.

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